


To Not Carry The Weight

by butimaloneandfree



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: brief mention of Mon-el, only in the context of her canonical greif
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:14:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23289106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butimaloneandfree/pseuds/butimaloneandfree
Summary: Sometimes, in the most mundane moments, Kara's heart aches as she wonders, 'what would it be like not to carry the world on your shoulders?'This was going to be multi-chap but it's too short. I guess you might call this a character study.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Kara Danvers & Cat Grant
Comments: 3
Kudos: 30





	To Not Carry The Weight

The first time it hits her, she’s fourteen. Jeremiah’s gone and Kara knows she will never be perfect enough to fill the hole she’s punched through the Danvers family. ~~Kal-El~~ Clark is grown and somehow not having any way to carry out her mission is even worse than the struggles of having a mission.

But Kara tries to fit in. She tries to make Alex hate her less and make Eliza proud and not to think beyond the next ~~zehtiahr~~ day because if she does she might crumble. And slowly, she starts to see the alien culture around her as one of her own. She starts to understand the pop culture references and the struggles of doing history homework and put herself in their shoes.

Then Carrie and Emily get into a screaming match in the middle of the cafeteria and Emily starts sobbing. She starts sobbing like her entire world is ending and Kara is hit by a stab of jealousy she’s never felt before.

Kara watches Emily cry over a high school fight and wonders, _what would it be like not to carry the world on your shoulders?_

_What would it be like to have the same friend for ten years?_

_What would it be like to live in the same town your entire childhood?_

_What would it be like to never have to learn a new language, a new culture, a new planet?_

_What would it be like to have people who knew you when you were a kid, still alive when you became an adult?_

_What would it be like…what would it be like….?_

She runs out of geometry, later that day when the “what ifs” won’t stop pounding in her head and the tears are so close to spilling over and Eliza comes to take her home.

Kara cries herself to sleep and when Eliza wakes her up for dinner, she locks those what ifs into the “do not touch” zone in the back of her mind, next to thoughts of raising Kal-El and dreams of becoming the youngest member of the science guild.

“How are you feeling, Kara?” Eliza asks when she comes downstairs, so gently that Kara nearly bursts into tears all over again.

Instead, she slams the lid back down on those feelings and gives Eliza a big smile.

“Great. What’s for dinner? I’m starving.”

\--

Kara grows up and tells herself she’s normal so often that she manages to believe it.

Somehow, every day, Kara manages to convince herself that her job matters, that things like layouts and lattes and non-fat milk matter in the grand scheme of things, even as footage of wildfires play on the screens behind Cat’s desk.

Kara tells herself that we all have roles to play in the world, and just because this is theirs doesn’t mean it’s insignificant.

She even likes it, much of the time. It’s fun to pretend that a salad delivery is earth-shattering. She loves the idea that Kara Danvers’ biggest problem is trying to get ahold of Marsha at the White House.

Even with the glass doors closed and her superhearing off, she can hear Cat.

“I don’t pay you to make mistakes. I pay you to do one job“

“I don’t know where the layout got lost, it’s like the file ate it, but we will get it to you as soon as possible.”

“Get out of my sight.” Cat mutters, and the man’s face crumples like he’s been punched in the stomach.

And as Kara watches him leave the office, dejected and utterly humiliated, Kara feels that pang of jealousy again.

_What would it be like?_

_What would it be like for this to be the worst day of your life?_

“Kira!” Cat’s sharp call breaks her thoughts, and Kara shoves them back down, deep in the back of her mind.

\--

The first night without Mon-El, Kara doesn’t sleep. There are repairs to do and people to save and no one questions the fact that she’s been up for thirty-six hours straight: she’s a super and just because “super endurance” isn’t listed formally as one of her powers doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be.

For the first time since she became Supergirl, her flight truly feels like a miracle because today her heart feels like it’s heavier than anything she’s lifted before, and yet she does it.

This isn’t like when she came to earth; tonight the world shares her pain. There’s so much loss; some dead, many wounded, even more struggling financially from the destruction. And yet, as she flies past a nearly untouched part of town, she sees a couple in the window laughing and kissing without a care in the world.

Because their world didn’t end.

Because hers did instead.

_What would it be like not to carry the world on your shoulders?_

She shakes it off, as she hears sirens in the distance, and flies off. Focuses again. Because there’s no reason to wonder. No reason to wish. No matter what, she will always have the weight of the world on her shoulders. Today was a reminder of that.

Someday, she knows, her super strength won’t be enough to hold it. But for now, she keeps going. She knows, from years of experience, that the trick is inertia; if she stops moving she wonders if she’ll ever manage to fly again. So she doesn’t stop.

Three stabilized buildings and four hospital airlifts later, the sun starts to rise and her comms chirp to life with Alex’s voice.

“Supergirl, it’s time to come in. The city’s safe, and the damage can be cleaned up later.”

“There’s still a lot to do. ”

“You need to rest.”

Silence.

“Supergirl?”

“I’m fine.”


End file.
